July 5, 2021

Getting To Know You - Part Two

The Wolf And The Shepherd continue their discussion covering a wide variety of topics including the importance of sleep, doing nothing, why golf is the best sport to have on in the background, why riding a bicycle as an adult is preposterous, why Tesla drivers are lonely, the awkwardness of the happy birthday song, why the Dave Matthews Band is the worst band in the world, why Spotify playlists are better than buying songs one at a time, the invention of lighter lawnmowers so women can mow the grass, the need for robot vacuums, the main reason to have kids, therapeutic dishwashing, famous authors, whether or not gifts are surprises, missing pieces of board games, dressing up donkeys as unicorns, stranded on a desert island with Salma Hayek and Tulsi Gabbard, going back in time, hobbies that become professions, computers from BBC, regifting, the continued wait for the new Xbox, the cheerleader effect, slug eyebrows and fake eyelashes, needs versus wants, improper use of turn signals, the need for a new Johnny Cochran to defend the Shepherd, and why the creation of cereal from wood is the best superpower that a superhero could have.


welcome to this episode of the wolf and

the shepherd today

we're gonna continue on with these

getting to know you

questions so do you remember where we

left off

yeah it was somewhere just after the let

me steal

all of your personal information to get

access to your bank account

oh that's right but right before this is

getting uncomfortably intrusive so

there's somewhere between those

oh okay good good okay well at least

you're keeping track

right yeah i do actually remember what

the next question was

because i have some questions about the


if anything that's kind of confusing

yeah if you could choose to do anything

for a day

what would it be i'll probably

sleep i'm always tired now i think it's

because i'm getting old

you see my first thought was does not

doing anything

count as doing something for the day so

pretty much along those lines right well

doing nothing is actually doing

something right

so yeah sleeping is not doing nothing

because sleeping's actually doing

something right

but you would just sit there and stare

at the wall well if it's there i'll do


which assuming they meant during a wait

what you'd normally do during a waking


not like 24 hours because i thought

there's no way i can commit to anything

for 24 hours now

you know we can barely commit to doing

something for an hour

right yeah no i don't think they wrote

that question with others

in mind so yours is asleep and mine is

pretty much the equivalent just

basically do nothing

yeah the equivalent of sleep but not

sleeping right because while you're

making some sleeping in there i don't


i don't know ah but see now that's doing

something maybe

yeah what is your favorite game or sport

to watch and play and play so

so i guess none i think they can be

mutually exclusive

oh okay yeah i don't really like playing

any sports that takes too much physical

concern otherwise maybe this question

would eliminate 80

of americans if you had to watch and

play it well

exactly so you know i mean there are a

lot of people that play golf

and watch golf but they don't play golf

very well

but i haven't played golf in a long time

i mean i like watching

football like american football real

football and i like

watching hockey i like watching ice

hockey a lot more than i

actually like watching football but i

can't play ice hockey i don't own ice


so i don't know i guess none i

you know watch and play what a crazy

question that is

right yeah i mean i obviously soccer for

me because i do both

well yeah yeah just that actually it's

that simple you know

watching soccer i used to play soccer

years and years ago

as a kid but i've actually gotten to

where yeah i kind of like to watch


but not to the you know level you like

to watch it you you'll watch multiple

games in a day or something like that

i like to watch a game of soccer every

now and then

right yeah now one sport

which i must admit is the best

background sport it's probably

ice hockey just because the scores are

notoriously low right and unless

fight breaks out or something i mean

it's like

nothing really happens that much well a

few chicks i mean it's a great sport

but soccer is the same way i have it on

but my thing is i love having it

on in the background gotcha kind of you

know you lift your head up when

you know you need to see something but

soccer is the exact same way i mean they

played 90 minutes and sometimes it's

0-0 right so you know it's kind of the

same thing

now the best background sport though is


it really is because i love watching the

masters whenever it's on

tv because i take the best naps

when the masters is on you know it's

always quiet oh here's phil mickelson

he's approaching the ninth grade and oh

what a beautiful shot good

good job phil now over to this person

you know and they're all whispering

and they're playing like you know nice

music in the background

there's no commercials during the

masters and

and i take some great great naps during

the masters

did i tell you that when i was living in


one of my mates he um

said that when he was skiing in europe i

think it was like

switzerland that they actually had


on the radio and the sounds of the skin

so not just the commentators it seems

like that wow

yeah so skiing on the radio being on the


i remember my dad used to listen to

baseball games on the radio

that's just such an old thing i mean i

do if i'm stuck

in the car you know like going somewhere

because i've gotta run to the store

whatever i'll listen to the cowboys

on the radio just to kind of keep up

with the game

because i used to pause it you know

you'd pause the game then i'd run to the

store or whatever

but then inevitably somebody says

something about the game

or you know it's on a tv or whatever

place you walk into

and so you basically catch yourself up

and then you

you try to avoid it but now i've just

gotten to where i just

don't care that much anymore so as

you've listened to the cowboys on the

radio right

right you can answer the question

does being a cowboys fan suck yes even

if you're blind

yes it does it's very hard it's very


yeah it's audio level right it's very

difficult to be a cowboys fan right

so this next question they've thrown a

lot of questions into one question here

i don't know why it's not like they've

tried to take any shortcuts elsewhere

would you rather ride a bike ride a


or drive a car well

okay so now the ride of bike part is

that a bicycle or is that a motorcycle

uh let's see my bicycle oh okay so we

can scratch that off the list

because you know basically when you grow

up and you get a driver's license

there's no reason to ride a bicycle

unless you just want to impede traffic

and break traffic laws ride a horse or


we're scratching that so now it's

between ride a horse or drive a car

and i guess you know it's just saying

drive a car just

basically mode of transportation you

know not driving a specific car or

anything like that

i think i would have to choose ride a

horse yeah

i mean that's not something you get to

do every day i mean i drive a car

every day i can probably count

on one hand in a year the days that i'm

not driving a car

you know somehow i wake up in the

morning and i'm at home

and somehow never leave the house

throughout the whole day that's probably

in this past year maybe five times maybe

five times total that i haven't

done that so yeah i mean why not do

something that you don't get to do all

the time

versus something you do all the time so

i'm going with rider horses well no if

that was true then you'd be riding a

bicycle because you don't do that all

the time because you don't do it at all

well yeah but i refuse to do that on

general principle

right i don't want to wear like bright

yellow spandex and

put on a goofy little helmet and impede


right but my first thought when i heard

that question was

it needs to be a little bit more

situation specific doesn't it

because if you just chose you'd like

you'd prefer to ride a horse

but what about if um you need to get say

like miami beach in florida are you

still going to

take that horse or you kind of well i

guess it depends on how fast your

horse is you got to stop all the time

though to feed the horse

that's kind of a pain and then they get


so yeah they do get there yeah it's not

like a car i mean cars get thirsty you

got to put gas in them

but at least you don't have to feed them

right i guess you do have to change the

oil is that kind of like feeding the car

and then putting gas in it is doing that

so then if you have a tesla

you don't have a car that you have to

you know

feed or give water to you miss that pond

in experience

yeah that's true yeah must be lonely

than driving a tesla

because you're not really having to do

anything maintenance wise to take care


it doesn't matter you've got the

internet on that big screen mate

well not only just the car drivers

here's here's the ironic part you know

one thing

you know our buddy eric has a tesla and

you name

your car like when you get a tesla they


force you to name it now of course

people name their cars all the time or

whatever but

tesla kind of forces you to name your


but then you don't have that bonding

experience even though you gave it a


it's kind of sad oh i thought you were

going to tell me what our friend had

named his

car i know he told me that i gave me

eric's car

he probably misspelled it too

i i know he gave his car a name but i

don't remember what the name was

the q-mobile the q mobile probably

probably what would you sing at karaoke


i used to do karaoke years ago haven't

done it in a long time

but i had to pick one song now to sing

at karaoke

i'd probably pick happy birthday because

now you can actually sing happy birthday

without having to pay

whoever wrote it like 100 years ago and

then everybody would sing along with you

you know one of the most awkward things

that we still haven't figured out as a


is what you're supposed to do when

everybody's singing you happy birthday

you realize it's like the most awkward

45 seconds

of anyone's life is sitting there while

everybody and of course

it's more awkward the more people that

are singing you happy birthday yeah

or is it i don't know well no maybe it's

like if you only have like

you know maybe like your wife and and

your kid or whatever maybe

like not all your kids are there and so

you got like two or three people singing

and nobody can sing right and so they're

all off key

and now they're staring at you singing

happy birthday like

do i look down at the cake do i stare at

the fire on the candle

and what am i supposed to do and then

you start looking around like

i don't want to look at these people

while they're singing horribly to me

and i really hate that song so why would

i want to sing happy birthday

karaoke i don't get why it is so awkward


you know you've been in enough like zoom

meetings and

real meetings and had people staring at

you right

while something was actually expected of


right and you know i mean i've you know

been in meetings and i've also

you know played in front of a lot of

people playing soccer

but yeah the whole somebody's singing

happy birthday to you

not knowing what to do i don't think but

i don't think

anybody knows what to do yeah like i

mean you

you don't dance that's kind of awkward

yeah typically

you're sitting in a chair yeah you know

that's the other thing

and a lot of times when people are

singing happy birthday to you some

for some reason they've sat you down in

a chair because you're right by your

birthday cake right

and then everybody decides they're

supposed to be standing up

while they sing it it's like the

national anthem or something i mean are

you supposed to put your hand

over your heart when they're singing you

happy birthday i don't we need somebody

to figure out

exactly what needs to happen it should

be more like pin the tail on the donkey

you know maybe blindfold people so they

don't have to

look at you when you sing happy birthday

yeah i think on a metaphysical level

happy birthday when it's being sung to

you is the longest

song ever it it's gotta be yeah it does

seem like it just drags for an at least

an afternoon

and not only that what about the people

in this

i don't know if we even still do this as

a society anymore but

way back in the day remember at the end

of happy birthday ditto

and many more yeah on channel four

and scooby-doo and it's like

i mean people have their own versions

it's like we're we're still like trying

to drag this song

on even more like please stop oh yeah i

i specifically hate that and many more


because i hold that with as much hatred

you know the song jingle bells right


when they do that uh after they're

laughing all the way and they do that


that it's online with that i hate that

addition to jingle bells well

so do you hate that as much as the

extras in rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

the extras yeah so you have like you


is it rudolph pretty sure it's rudolph

you know so you got like rudolph the red

nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose

like a light bulb

you would even say it goes like a light

bulb now all of the other reindeers used


laugh and call him names like pinocchio

you know it makes that song

so freaking annoying and on top of that

then you've got to make sure everybody's

aligned with what little extras they

want to throw in there

yeah like the wouldn't play reindeer

games or whatever and then some people


like monopoly and some other people you

know would say

different crap it's just uh makes that

song even worse

oh man that was it so would you sing

rudolph the red-nosed reindeer at

karaoke no how did we get to christmas

music off of this question

um i think i would sing melancholy and

the infinite sadness

oh that would be good yeah especially if

you could play violin i can sing that

perfectly yeah maybe the theme to star

wars did you know there's words

to that song i think i did yeah yeah

there are words

to the star wars theme i don't know what

they are troopers

you can't fire worth a crap right

i think didn't carrie fisher sing it

on the holiday special i don't know no i

think she did

like and then there was that disco

version wow

oh it'd be terrible anyway i think this

next question is a bit redundant well it

is for me

what two radio stations do you listen to

in the car the most

so does xm radio count i suppose okay

radio station because i mean other than

xm radio

i don't i usually use like spotify

you know or something like that and

listen to a podcast or listen to music

or something like that

so the only radio station that i

listened to was lithium

on xm radio that's right and then

if dave matthews band comes on lithium

i shut the radio off right because

there's nothing that frustrates me more

than hearing dave matthews band

i i just cannot stand dave matthews band

i hope dave matthews isn't a podcast

listener but if you are

your voice sucks your music sucks i

can't stand you

yeah i bet he's canadian i bet that

guy's canadian and maybe that's why i

don't like it

but if canada needs a new national


it should be written by the dave

matthews band i like one song by david's


crash nah they all suck they're they're

all terrible that one song

every morning you know you just he

sounds like he's

got some kind of mental problem and then

he makes those faces and does those

stupid dances

and i just oh i can't stand that guy wow

so what's the second radio station or

was that

a constant answer no that's it i mean

if it's not on lithium then i mean i'm

switching over to my phone and just

streaming my phone through the

car stereo yeah but it seems like now

more days

if i'm not listening to something i'm on

the phone a lot in the car

like there are certain people like my

wife for instance she's one of those

people that

once she gets in the car that's when she

wants to talk on the phone

right like she gets i i know when she's

left the house

because she'll call me right like if i'm

on her rotation between like

you know some of her friends and maybe

her sister

and everything it's like oh lisa must be

driving right now because my phone's

ringing and you can

you know you can always tell when the

bluetooth and the car is on versus

you know somebody just talking to you

normally on the phone or whatever yeah

it's always her in the car

and then it's like okay will you please

put your seatbelt

on because i hear the seat belt dinging

through the phone through the bluetooth

and yeah i know we gotta talk because

you're in the car and you get bored

in the car by all means don't pay any

attention to the traffic on the road or

whatever just

talk on your phone but at least she's

got the hands-free deal now

sound advice yes yeah i don't actually

listen to the radio at all because

my first choice is the collection of

music on my phone which i have illegally

downloaded via bittorrent and so

obviously i can make my own playlists

right my second choice is just a station

i will have created on

spotify on the free version which i

currently use but you actually have the

premium version

well so i paid for spotify and i had

i i think it's called like family

premium or something like that because

we just had the one for a while yeah but


you know spotify started making these

bizarre recommendations to me it's like

oh we think you'd like to listen to the

backyard again so i'm like no

i don't really want to listen to the

backyardigans and so

i found out with the family one

everybody's got their own login

so i switched to the family one now they

all have their own logins and

all that stuff so now it's not

recommended in the backyard against

yeah anymore yeah actually i'd probably

be all right if i did the family plan

then because

like my girlfriend and i we like mostly

the same type of music

and you know if she likes something i

don't like i just tell her

don't like that anymore i told you yeah

i know it always stops liking it yeah

it's always better to have a family plan

especially you know when your boy

when he decides you know he's going to

start liking certain music or whatever

he's got he's got his own um completely


music on because he likes some crazy

stuff i don't want that diluting my


exactly sound pool no that's why you

know it's almost like spotify as a

sponsor even though they're not

have a big on acid yeah there you go but

yeah i mean to have the

the individual accounts on spotify yeah

that's the way to go

yeah i think not only that i was trying

to make was i was being cheap

yeah well yes i mean that is one thing i

do spend money on but

here's the reason though i i'm being


by buying that because my wife and my


kept buying songs off itunes like

every single month i'd see these you

know whatever it was like a dollar

twenty or whatever a song

right and the problem is they they don't

listen to that song for very long like

it's a

popular song right now but in three

months nobody listens to that song


and so they were filling up their phones

with these songs like oh this is really

popular right now and then they would

listen to it over and over again

get themselves sick of that song that's

money gone

so i saved money by paying for spotify

to keep them from buying songs

because you can find any song yeah and

if i hadn't been

you know illegally downloading music via

bittorrent really if i wanted to listen

to a song again

and again i'd just go and use

youtube well that's true actually that's

easier than

just opening a you know browser page in

safari or something

and just keeping it open until you hate

the song

very good you know that rather than

spending money but you know

you're the one out there earning the

money that is true

and it's just like digging a knife in

you each time one of those songs was


absolutely and i'm thinking about it

right now i can't even

name one of the songs that they bought

and they probably couldn't either to

tell you the truth but

i have had spotify now for years

so yeah go spotify and if you would like

to give me a premium account

spotify a uh family plan

yeah or or give it to me too yeah that

way i'll stop paying for it all you got

to do is just free

line out you know i've already seen this

this is the biggest free ad

no kidding on a i mean it's popular

podcast you've probably ever had spotify

stuff right

step up yeah right

which would you rather do wash dishes

mow the lawn clean the bathroom or

vacuum the house is this just aimed at

women only

well except for the mow the lawn part

although there are a lot of ways to do

it because you can buy

lighter lawn mowers now and i think

that's the whole point of them

getting lighter because women and in

their strife for equality

wanted to be able to do things and men

were thinking

i'll pass off mowing the yard but she's

gonna [ __ ] that

it's too heavy push it pull it blah blah


so i think that's when the industry saw

the eye for profit

and invented lighter lawnmowers for the


so are the the new lawn mowers that are


are those lighter than the gas operated


you know i don't know the answer to that


i don't either they kind of look cool

but if i had to pick between those four

it'd be mow the lawn yes at least you're


i mean if you do it in the cool of the

day which basically in texas

is like when the sun comes up plus 30

minutes and then it's hot

that's not really that bad you know

you're outside

it's nice and cool you know you finish

up mowing the lawn

and then you know you go sit and you

crack open a beer and you look at your

freshly cut lawn like a

true old man does and you know take

pride in that

i mean washing the dishes to me that's


that sucks that's why i like paper

plates because i can just throw them


clean in the bathroom you know honestly

if you just go to the bathroom outside

you never have to clean the bathroom

and then vacuum in the house i hate


i really need to get one of those little

robot vacuums i think we've talked about

the robot vacuums before and

we know we love our robots we do love

our robots i really think i need to get

one of those robot vacuums

despite our discussion i think in the

last release we did of

in other news with that vacuum attacking

the korean woman

yeah by the hair and but but

i'm not going to take a nap on my living

room floor well also i want to hear the

robot side also because that seemed

very kind of a one-sided yeah

that was that was definitely a biased

news article you know

taking the side of the woman over the

robot for me

vacuuming definitely not because i find


super boring five minutes of vacuuming i

i could swear i've been doing it for

like 45 minutes

the only cool thing about vacuuming is

when you pick up those things that are

deep in the carpet it makes that crackly

noise you know where

you like run the vacuum over and you

know you actually did something

where it goes you know i'm gonna pick

stuff up i don't know if that's enough

of a constellation that's just like

the best thing about being stabbed is

the sound as the knife is

pulled out of your body i don't know if

it's really you know

well and once again you know these

people to vacuum

sure but that's the sad thing kind of

like what you're saying that's the best


of vacuuming there's no other good part

about that you can vacuum

the carpet and turn around and look and

say did i even do anything

right it doesn't look any better yeah

although my mom i remember years ago we

had this carpet

you know where you like you push it one

way and then you push it the other way

and you can kind of like almost draw on

it you know

because it kind of shades differently or

whatever and when my mom would vacuum

she would always

like vacuum these lines into the carpet

almost like baseball fields how they mow

them and you can see those lines in


right i wonder how they do that wait who

does the vacuum in at your house then

kids that's why you have kids i mean

that's the only reason to have kids is

to make them wash the dishes and mow the

lawn clean the bathrooms and vacuum the

house man that's

why i had so many kids i wanted to make

sure you know if you only have one kid

you know you have one kid right

and your kid gets older and now he's

gone now you have to do the chores

so you got to keep having kids so you've

got a backup plan

so if i've got one kid you know gone to

a friend's house or something like that

i still have three more remaining where

i can say hey you go vacuum you go do

the dishes and you go mow the lawn

and i'm going to sit here and do

something like watch hockey on tv

i don't know would it now be racist for

you to give your kids

those tasks giving your kids a half


no that's that's why they're so good at

mowing the grass

half the time half the time yeah right


so yeah i don't want to clean the


just because i use the bathroom so i

know what goes on in there

right and not only that but then you

just realize kind of how filthy you are

when you clean the bathroom well it's

not just that i look at it like

say you were telling some people to like


a building okay but the building was

actually radioactive but that people

didn't know that

i think that's how it really is if

people clean the bathroom after i've

used it and they go in their innocent

thinking because it's not visibly that

that might go

on to probably kill me or right hurt my

upper respiratory tract in some way

i i think though we kind of messed up on


kind of explanation of this because

excuse me i just glanced down

and i noticed the next question if you


hire someone to help you would it be

with cleaning cooking or yard work

so i already figured out you don't have

to hire people if you have kids that is


although if the kids were smart

they would save their money and they

would hire people to take care of these


for them so i bet if my kids were gonna

hire somebody

it would be with cleaning now cooking i

like to cook we we've talked about

you know cooking before you like to cook

i like to cook i like to grill

all that stuff so i wouldn't want that

hired out yard work though yard work


i mean even the mowing the grass i

consider that

mowing the lawn that's in there with

yard work i mean i don't like doing that

just because i sweat a lot right yeah me


that's why i got to do it so early in

the morning you know before it's so hot

i mean if i wait till

i don't know say like even like nine or

ten o'clock

it's so hot and when i'm done i've sweat

all the way through all of my clothes

people to do that we're not doing that

but washing dishes i actually

kind of like washing dishes it's kind of

therapeutic to me

how was that therapeutic to watch

because i complete

i completely turned my brain off which

you can't really do with the other

things i mean you can't

turn your brain off while you're mowing

the lawn otherwise you're going to go

halfway across the street

true you can't do it clean in the

bathroom or you'll find your head in the

toilet or something and

you can do it while vacuuming the house

or you might do an unfortunate one down

the steps backwards so

really or you might accidentally

yeah but you might accidentally also

vacuum over somebody taking a nap

that's true so you can't turn your brain

well you've got to give them the full

robot experience true if they're going

to take a nap in your house yeah to be


okay so i said well okay now hang on now

i'm going to have to disagree with you

because if you

totally turn your brain off when you're

washing the dishes you could drop the


well totally turn off you know what i

mean i mean in the tournament something

you know the involuntary muscles within

your body would also stop working which

might lead to catastrophe and an even

worse dropping of the dishes instant

than the one you envisage and then and

then guess what you have to do

now you dropped a dish now you broke it

what do you have to do

sweep which is kind of like vacuuming so


would really suck right you've cr you've

created the most dystopian view

of doing the dishes yeah since the

women's liberation

i think so moving first kicked off i

think yeah yeah that's bad stuff

so if you could only eat one meal for

the rest of your life

what would it be let's expand it to dish

kind of thing so it's not just like oh

you can eat a turnip or

oh you know so can can i pick like side

items too or

oh just just main dish no no actually no

if it's like fish and chips or spaghetti

and blah blah blah no

dish yeah okay dish oh well i'd go with


i mean i could eat steak breakfast lunch

and dinner

but if i can pick the side dish along

with it

it would be steak and seafood gumbo

i think it would depend on because i i

would say pizza

because i have many times in my life

eating pizza for breakfast

dinner supper well midnight

snack i do i do like pizza

but can i change the toppings because

pizza is my number one answer

if i can change the toppings so i don't

have to eat the same one each time

so no i think you'd have to eat the same

one each time just like that

well because i i could have said beef

yeah right and then now i've got

hamburgers i've got

steak i've got brisket i've got all that

so i narrowed mine down so yeah

my state fries mushrooms

and onion rings i could eat that all the


yeah onion rings with a steak though i'd

be a loud ass but

yeah yeah i didn't like that like

nothing but that but

it doesn't say like you've got to eat

like three

four meals of that a day i mean if

that's all you're eating

if you wanted you could spread that out

to like maybe one meal

out throughout the entire day because it

also depends you know what size steak

they're giving you as well

yeah that's a good point and you could

even narrow the whole steak down

surely you don't have to eat the whole

thing all the time as well so it's like

if you've eaten this kind of mid-morning

just towards lunch time and then you eat

it again later

but you're not in the mood for the onion

rings you don't have to eat the onion


just because they're on the plate wow so

he's not forced to clear because it's

again we've taken what should have been

a dream idea into a dystopian

yeah but you also don't want to be

wasteful of the food

well who's doing this anyway it's got to

be by sponsorship or something it's

right i don't think this is a real

choice oh

okay yeah it's not like win yeah one


can't you for the rest of your life that

makes sense yeah that makes sense

who is your favorite author i don't have


well i you know i i really don't i i

hear that question

a lot out of people you know and and a

lot of people usually have like this

immediate answers like oh stephen king

or uh what's the dude that wrote the uh

uh dan brown you know that's another one

that people

talk about uh then the women like that

uh twilight woman what's her name uh

stephanie myers or something like that


and then you know kids like that jk

rowling because of all the harry potter

books and

oh what's the dude that made the lord of

the rings it's got like

initial tokens yeah yeah you know that i

i don't have a favorite author though i

i don't like reading books

reading books takes too much effort i

would have had an answer for this

probably up until the age of 14 or 15

because i would have said stephen king

because i went through a period of

really liking

uh horror books and you know

i read a lot and he was kind of my

favorite at the time

but i think as i got older there wasn't

anybody who

if they released a book could be like oh

my goodness i must get that right

i've never been like that well that

that's where i consider that

favorite author yeah there's nobody yeah

well i say that but

but now i still went because i'd get it

on the internet for free anyway so it'd

be a waste of time for me to go out and

buy anything true that makes sense yeah

but anyway favorite author no i don't

really have one

because i if it's good then it's good

but i can guarantee you

99.99 reoccurring percent of the good

stuff out there neither of us have

read anyway so it's true to judge what

is good

right reading no i agree right

have you ever had a nickname and if so

what is it

no name's too short for a nickname

no never had a nickname really really

yeah i had a nickname

yeah funnily enough my nickname is

my name so there we go there you go

solve that one

i mean i i was in a motorcycle riding

club where i had a road name

slow ass no it but they were so lazy

with my road name because

my real name is max and then my road

name was

mad max i'm like wow y'all that is like

yeah that

that's some lazy lazy uh figuring on


but uh i was supposed to have a really

cool road name

and then they didn't give it to me my

road name was gonna be

pity pity pity yeah p-i-t-y

pity why is that a cool name i don't

know i just thought it was a

cool name it's like one of the miserable

horses of the apocalypse

yeah i know i i would have i would have

embraced it though

i i think you're better off without yeah


next one again they've thrown in like

four questions or so into this

do you like or dislike surprises you

know when people put something like that

you can just say

do you like surprises because when

somebody gives you the binary answer

of yes or no right kind of eliminates

the need to put in

or dislike yeah you know and then why

why or why why not yeah yeah that's kind

of ridiculous

yeah yeah i do not like surprises

i don't like surprises at all is that

because you've

not had a good experience with surprises

because i can guarantee

if you got home tonight and there was a

xbox series x there and i don't know

about a thousand

dollars worth of xbox uh store points


and um that was a surprise because i won

a couple in a raffle

and i left one for you that'd be a good

surprise wouldn't it so you can't say he

doesn't like surprises completely

it's just okay so i don't define that as

a surprise well it would be a surprise

no that would be a gift yeah but it's a

surprise gift

but it's still just a gift to this prize

i don't think i agree with you on that


i just think that's a gift i mean part

of getting a gift

is saying oh you got me something you

open it up you say oh

hey thanks you know most of the time

it's oh this sucks but now i gotta smile

and pretend like i like it

so i like to buy my own birthday

presents well yeah so i know that i get

you know what i want right but yeah no i

i still consider that a gift not a


right i just i want to know what's

coming i mean okay so

so let's go back to your example of the


yeah sitting there right yeah so you

leave this at my house as a surprise

right and then

i just came back from the store buying

the exact same thing

and if i would have known that was

sitting there i wouldn't have bought it

so now i'm pissed

yeah but knowing the odds of you being

able to actually go to a store

and buy an xbox series that should

actually have more chance of a

rattlesnake popping out of the one i

left for you outside of your front door

and biting you in the jugular and

killing you

i think i would have a better chance of

being able to go

to the store and buying one then you

leaving one at my front door that is

also true

so i'd have bought it to the studio yeah


so in the evening would you rather play

a game

visit a relative watch a movie or read

all right well we can scratch read off

the list because that's

just takes too much effort

once again why you don't like movies

with subtitles yeah

so here's the problem with this though

so would you rather play a game

i'm going to lump in video games in that


game so if i had to pick between those


i'd rather play a video game yeah but if

you force me to say oh no no not a video

game you know a board game or something

like that

then i would probably go to watch a


versus you know play a board game or

something like that coming

board game you got to set everything up

get it out of the box

you're always missing some piece and you

know then you find it

a year later and you're like oh that

goes to monopoly and yeah then you

forget to put in the monopoly box

because you realize

you know the kids have been in there and

piled a bunch of stuff up on monopoly

and so

you just throw it in the junk drawer and

then once it's time to play monopoly


man where did i put the little car i

want to be the little car and i know i

saw the little car somewhere but i don't

remember where i put it yeah and then

watch a movie too

if you think about that it depends on

the movie

because there's a lot of times yeah i'm

assuming it's they mean of your choice

okay you're not going to put it on and

it be something with amy schumer in it

or something

it's right it's actually going to be it

okay yeah something

that you want to watch yeah something

that i get to pick or whatever because i

mean i enjoy

watching just like visit a relative i'm

assuming it means the live

ones and you know maybe one which you

prefer over the other

right yeah so you know but you could

spin that question into

which would you rather do play a game

you hate visit a relative you don't like

watch a movie you hate or

read and i still wouldn't pick read yeah

even though you didn't play

any exclusive right right i'd definitely

go for

playing a video game to be honest i'll

tell you what and this kind of tops your

dislike of board games okay my

girlfriend has a lot of board games in

the house

upstairs in the game room which you know

her daughters used to play

and they're on like bookshelves and

stuff right in the game room

and every now and then xander will

wander over there curiously

you know to look at them and i'm always

like xander no

leave them alone mate they're nothing go

play on your ipad right

so i'm teaching them board games are

stupid no just telling board games are

horrible decorations that some people

just have really bad taste

i mean the only board game i really i

like is chess

and that's easier playing on my phone or

on the computer anyway because you want

to play against

somebody who either sucks or can kick

you back whereas if you have to play it

physically all the time it's like how

many people can you invite around your

house to play chess

right well i think a lot more people

used to play chess back in the day

because they didn't have any

other forms of entertainment yeah you

know it's just like in the movie hateful

eight where they're you know sitting

there playing chess

yeah but they also had a lot of alcohol

so that's true you could have chosen the

do nothing and watch and fall asleep

would you rather vacation in hawaii

or alaska and why that's a tough one

i've never been to either place so you

know you could do that whole

you know check off somewhere you haven't

been by

me choosing either one of them but i've

heard some

bad things about hawaii like that it's

not as great as everybody makes it out

to be

i guess one good thing is at least

you're still in america

you know so you don't have to get a

passport you don't have to

change your money over anything like


and i don't think alaska is really as

cold as everybody says

you know if you get in the southern part

but maybe it is i don't know

if anybody from alaska is listening

perhaps you can

email us at the wolf and shepherd gmail

dot com and let us know if it warms up a

little bit

at some point during the year it's true

i've always heard though that the

weather weather's good in hawaii

because it's i guess it's pretty close

to the equator

i think i'd think i'd have to pick

hawaii what about you which one would

you pick

well i've never been to alaska and

i think i'd like to see some of the

wildlife parks there

oh yeah that's true i have been

to hawaii and it's still my favorite

ever vacation

so still between hawaii and alaska

i'd still go to hawaii i've already been

there yeah but

wouldn't you rather go somewhere you

haven't been

no see i don't like going to the same


but it doesn't mean i'm not ever going

to go to galveston again right

well that makes sense i just i like

going new places i don't like going to

the same place

over and over again all right el

salvador is for you next

vacation then would you rather win the


or work at the perfect job and why

lottery yeah well what would your

perfect job be

i don't know but see if i won the

lottery then i could

have enough money to start my own thing

and whether or not it made any money i

wouldn't care because i won the lottery

so that would be kind of the perfect job

it's like you do whatever you want to do

and if it costs you money you got your

lottery winnings to cover that

so yeah there you go the only scenario

there where that would fail

as if your perfect job if it's

something which would not be possible

under normal circumstances even with all

the money in the world

or as opposed to well i don't know say

like your perfect job was

like flying in the sky by flapping your


like a bird chasing unicorns and kissing

their buttholes and pulling their tails

i mean

okay all right that might be a perfect

job and that'd be yeah we can grant you

your perfect job right

i see as obviously what the other way

winning the lottery whereas you would

not be able to buy that

you know doing the old stuff with the

unicorns so like maybe like a

professional golfer right

so with all the money in the world you

could probably

go you know get golf lessons and do all

that but you wouldn't necessarily have

the natural talent to be able to get a

pga tour card to actually go on the tour

where if somebody granted you you're now

a professional golfer

yeah i see see your answer is crap

no i'm still sticking with the lottery

okay well

i think personally the lottery for me

yeah exactly because i figured well once

we talked all the way through that i

mean and now you don't have to worry

about money so you can do whatever you

want yeah

thankfully my fantasy does involve

unicorns unicorns which nowadays i think

people can

dress up donkeys quite convincingly to

kind of at least fool you especially if

i take my contact lenses out so

yeah you know some money can by your


the story that's true yeah absolutely


yeah who would you want to be stranded


on a deserted island somehow like i was

answering for you yeah

somehow for enough yeah

now now i'm still good i'm still good

um oh my word

i don't know the selfish part of me

would say

my son because i'd like if i had to be

stranded with somebody i'd rather

you know be with him as he grew up and

share the time together but also you


he was just stuck on a desert island

right with me yeah that's

the most interesting thing in the world

so i can't really choose him exactly

that's it's the easiest route right but

it's yeah but it's easy to do that


yeah so she could teach me how to surf

and we could wrestle yeah but then

if she taught you how to surf what if

y'all surf away from the island

well i'm pretty sure salmon hayek

doesn't know how to surf well also

you know storm could hit and kill us so

you've got to live you've got to seize

the day

that's true yeah dm yep so what was your

answer then

summer hike oh yeah of course it was

there yeah

it was just so quick and i answered for

you that i didn't

i thought you stole it is another one

which sounds familiar

if money was no object what would you do

all day sleep

but surely at some point you would have

caught up with where you're kind of like

you can get eight hours of sleep a day

and it'd be

enough because you're not recovering

from the lack of sleep previously oh

that's true

see at that point you might actually

want to do something yeah

probably after about like two or three

months of sleeping

you probably get bored with that and

then like you know i've got all this

money laying around ought to do

something with it

probably buy a really nice bed yeah yeah

so i can sleep yeah yeah improve the


one of those adjustable beds you know

where you can like sit up in it

yeah then i wouldn't have to get out of

bed yeah that'd be nice

again i don't want to commit to doing

something all day

even if it's sleeping right right so i


a little bit trouble with this because

pretty much most of what i do

every day is what i think i'm happy

doing anyway

so i don't know other than a few things

here and there

which certainly wouldn't take all day

that you know i really would want

i don't know if money would buy me

something that i wanted to do

all day yeah and then sleep well that's

the only thing you could

really consistently do for a huge chunk

every day and actually kind of enjoy it

yeah and then if you had all the money

in the world you could buy a lot of

sleeping pills to keep you asleep yeah

then you'd be really well rested right

in in the bed

you got to buy the bed first right like

a really good yeah

not that you know sealy posturepedic i

mean we're talking

high-end bed i mean we're talking at

least like six seven hundred bucks

walmart.com got some great deals yeah

what's that

what's that other one that was selling

the kids online oh wifi

wayfarer yeah yeah i bet you can find

one yeah plus they

come with a free servant yeah

it's awful nice yeah if you could go

back in time

what year would you travel to before you

answer this okay

let's assume that this isn't like a bill

and ted excellent adventure

time visit this is a you go back there

and that's where you have to live from


okay you right so so you can't just like

bounce back is what you're saying like

you got to go back in time and that's

where you're going to be it's going to

be a full-out commitment

and it's got to be backwards oh gosh

what would it be

probably like 92 yeah why

would be nice to go back to like well no

maybe like 91

like 90 91 somewhere around in there to

go see all of the really good

alternative rock bands

live you know like nirvana can't see

them anymore i mean i know there's still

some that tour around right like

smashing pumpkins is still touring and

guys like that but you you've got the

death of kurt cobain so you can never

see nirvana the way it was

and you know so many deaths in there

but to see those bands like in little


like go see nirvana at a show where

there's like 20 people

like to me that would be cool yeah but

and you still have air conditioning and

decent amount of technology

you know 92 decent technology where you


decent amount of technology video

yeah video consoles you've still got

yeah you've got video games

you've got cell phones the internet


you got america online you know all that

so you still

yeah oh yeah yeah uh

yeah you had a bit earlier than we did

well it was america online yeah

i don't know because i don't know if

there's anything which i would want to


back for just to experience

then oh but think of just because how


how many well remember yeah but remember

live would it take before the novelty

wore off well

yeah but then you have several other

bands but remember you're going back in


from today yeah so you're carrying that

knowledge around with you too

so it's like oh but that's an addition

to your original

ah but yeah but you didn't have that as

a caveat that it just starts over so you

know all this stuff so it's like oh i'm

gonna go buy

20 000 bitcoins for a penny a piece

even though you'll have to wait till


well yeah but you know that's eventually

coming right so you you know

all these things are coming that you can

kind of hedge your benefits

to save your money up yeah well all you

got to do is just put a little bit of


aside and then you buy all that then you

you know you're going to be set

and you also know all the stuff that's

going on with the stock market and

everything else so

it's kind of like uh ironically kind of

like in back to the future you know

where you get the sports almanac

yeah you know that's that's what his

whole idea was so you're still

you still have the technology it's still

kind of the modern world i mean it would

be cool to go to the old west or

or go to colonial america or stuff like

that but

i know it would die well it'd be cool to

over romanticize

right but it'd be cool to see it but i

wouldn't want to

i'd want to be able to jump back see

your caveat was you can't jump back

you got to stay there that's why i

didn't want to go back too far

right right there yeah i mean your

second art series i think pretty much

what most people would say but that's

really just a uh perk of going back in


right but i guess your real answer then

going back to 92 to see the band's life

so that's really your answer because

your second part is pretty much

just a part and parcel of the yeah thing


um i don't know if there is really an


or era which you'd want to go back to

because we're assuming you're going back

but you as old as you'd be at that time

not you taking your old ass back in time

now because a lot of

your concert experiences would be ruined

by a bunch of younger kids looking at

you and spitting at you and telling you

to get out granddad

yeah that's a good point you want to get


but so is she wearing a knife well no

i'd want to be

older than i was in 92 but probably not

much older

and i'd want to be at least 21 to really

enjoy it

yeah but now we're kind of bastardizing

the whole question

so so now there's all these other you

know check marks that we got to do

so all right yeah okay how would your

friends describe you

i have no idea elijah starts this one

yeah go for it yeah yeah

smug egotistical chauvinistic probably

that'd be where i would go right yeah

yeah probably those things and

i don't know really i don't know if i

could be bothered to describe you to

anybody yeah

i think they asked

what are your hobbies i don't have any

hobbies hobbies take too much time

wow it's true and they get expensive too

no you could say video games

if you do because that's something yeah

playing video games yeah okay what's

playing video games as a hobby

it's not a profession is it except for a

few people yeah but it can be a


yes i can pretty much anything yeah i

guess like fishing

most people consider fishing a hobby but

there are professional fishermen yeah

golf could be a hobby and there's

professional golfers yeah i think they

get the idea mate yeah

hunting hunting is kind of a hobby but

you could be a professional hunter

yeah driving yeah you know some people

have like classic cars and

you know kind of make a hobby out of

that yeah you could be a race car driver

yeah that's a professional that is true

so i bet there's a lot of other examples

i just can't think of it right now

yeah maybe we should do a podcast about

hobbies that can also be professional

things like some people like

you know have a pilot's license and like

flying for pleasure whereas that's true

professional pilots and get paid by

airlines well in cooking

you know cooking is a hobby but then you

have like martha stewart

and she does it as a professional yeah

so does gordon ramsay yeah i bet it

started out as a hobby

and right now it's a professional

necessity so does that mean

if you get a hobby and you get really

good at

it then it turns into a job and now you

don't really like it as much as you do

when it becomes a hobby well it becomes

professional the moment

you make money out of it well i know but


so even if you cooked as a hobby but

happened to kind of sell on

local facebook marketplace or some crap

cakes the you know experts you make and

you make money out of it

i wouldn't say that makes you a

professional chef or a professional


so i don't know i think it has to be an

income which

if that constitutes the majority of the

money you earn

then that's that your profession you're

a professional whatever

see i think a lot of people though call

themselves professionals

at things but don't make enough money to

really support it and that's where that

whole day job comes from right

you know it's like oh i've got a day job

but i'm really

uh baker you know or something like that

it's like i go sit in an office from

nine to five monday through friday

but at night i bake cupcakes and sell

them on facebook

it's like that in a other news article

we did the other day about the guy who

was an

unemployed waiter there you go yeah

no mate you're just unemployed right

yeah you literally

nothing yeah i want to be an unemployed


right yeah you could literally say

anything it doesn't matter that you've

never had that career

so you take that knowledge back to 1992

see the damage you could do with that


there you go yeah what is the best gift

you have

ever been given assuming my xbox series

x thing from earlier was

entirely fictitious right gosh best gift

i'd probably so i kind of got to go back

to you

you know my childhood because it always

seems like you know the childhood gifts

kind of hit a little bit harder than the

gifts you know when you

get a little bit older i mean obviously

the ones as i've gotten older

have probably been more expensive and in

this that and the other

but i remember getting my nintendo

entertainment system

back in the 80s when i was a kid yeah

that was

that was a big one that was a christmas

present and you know i got the

super mario brothers duck hunt version

you know so i've got the

little laser gun with the controller and

all that good stuff that that probably

be the one that

really rings true like it immediately

popped in my head like

that nintendo i just i remember getting

that and that was

huge and i was like probably one of the

last of my friends that got one too

i grew up extremely poor i think a bbc

acorn electron personal computer

bbc acorn electron

ah i never included that yeah they

didn't have those over here

yeah it was a really good personal

computer compared to everything else

which was available at the time because

sinclair came out with the like zx80

zx81 zx spectrum

but if you really wanted to be a serious

you know

computer user you'd have a bbc and there

was like a bbc master

which was quite an expensive system

and then there was the cheaper version

of it called the acorn electron

okay um and you know i mean i

absolutely loved it because i mean not

only could you play really good games on


you know you could all say which is

pretty serious yeah but pretty much

the computer the only thing a computer

is good for is playing games and

downloading content

off of pirate sites well obviously this

was a long time

ago before the internet so this is when

you had to back it up to cassette tape

right and stuff all right

yeah what is the worst gift you have


i don't know i mean i've gotten a lot of


over the years i guess the worst gift i

ever received was at

christmas this was probably about

17 years ago or so back when i was a

farmer's insurance agent

i got a broken clock

i'm not kidding you i my present

was a broken clock was it deliberately


i don't wasn't supposed to be kind of

representing something

no i think it was a clock that was

supposed to work

and then it didn't work well didn't you

send it back to get another one

well i know that's inconvenient but if

it had worked would it still be the

worst gift you've ever received was it

just the fact it was broken

i think even if it would have worked it

would have still been the worst gift

i've ever seen oh wow

yeah just like clocks yeah so so

basically you're looking

at worst gift ever and on top of that

didn't work

yeah yeah it sucked

i had that clock for exactly

30 minutes maybe i mean i remember

walking out of the place

realizing it was broken and just leaving

it in the parking lot

see i don't really have an answer

because i don't think

i mean i guess i could answer the lamest

because you know we've all had those

gifts of like alex paris songs or


yeah or an ugly tie or something like

that yeah so but

in terms of worst and what that's

supposed to

constitute i haven't really had any bad

gifts now i do remember um

i think it's on a ricky gervais podcast

he was reading out a list

of uh worst gifts people have ever

received or

you know gifts that didn't make sense


one guy wrote in and said he received

from his parents

on his birthday a book about crude oil

he said and this is despite the fact

that i have never expressed an interest

in oil of any type

specifically crude oil

not only that but thankfully no one that

i remember

has ever given me a book as a gift

because i know i won't read it

but that i'm glad i haven't received a


as a gift well no i take that back

because i did get a cookbook one time

as a gift and actually i think i used it

one time

because i looked up something yeah but

yeah a book would be a terrible gift to

give me

you see i wouldn't mind a cookie unless

it's gone because i'd really just

give it to my girlfriend because she

likes reading out of cookbooks to well

for recipes i read gifts like the

internet's not invented or something

let's talk about that for a second what

is so bad about re-gifting things

nothing why is there such a negative

connotation on

re-gifting things i think well you ask

that question but i think it's within

limits because i think people assume

that oh of it's not good enough for them

then you know but they think it's good

enough for me or

that i think a little bit of pride thing

but i would assume that would

immediately go out of the window

regardless of the reason it has

re-gifted if

somebody like re-gifted you a yacht

well exactly they could say the lamest


and it might be that like i'm giving you

this shot because

i hope you get so happy you fall over

there side and drown you'd still be like

thank you very much

right okay so let's go back to your xbox

series exactly

right yeah so let's say you give me this

xbox series x

right and i just went and bought one

yeah now i'm thinking

well eric doesn't have one and now i

have two

what am i going to do with two of course

i would stay somewhere

exactly but i could re-gift that

to eric and it would make him happy and

i don't think he would really care where

it came from

right or why yeah yeah and to be quite

honest with you if i

if you gave me an xbox right and now

i've already now i've got two

and i gave it to eric and i would

probably even say hey

tristan gave me this i'm going to give

it to you

and now you even look good in this right


other than the fact he might call you up

and say why'd you give it to max and not

to me

he already had one right and then you'd

say well i didn't know he had one yeah

but of course in this fictional example

we're never going to give each other

xboxes so yeah even we don't have one

right which you know the way it

continues it died when was it released

last week was last year yeah before

christmas i thought it was like

well it was in the fall yeah it was

before christmas because it was supposed

to be you know

the hot christmas get that in the

playstation 5 right

but yeah you still can't get one at the

store yeah it sucks

or online unless you're really well no

because all the bots are buying them on


so you know even though those little

articles come out right and it's like oh

yeah you know best buy is supposed to

get a shipment of xbox series x's today

yeah and then you go by the time you've

read the article and then like oh well

let me check the best buy website well

they're all gone

and all that happens at stores like

gamestop is like the people who work

there when they know shipments are

coming in

they let their friends know their

friends buy them

and then they sell them online for like

twice as much and then give the person

who told them you know a kickback so

exactly it's almost i remember when


when that series x came out what what's

the one that

doesn't have the disk drive the s the


the series s so it's basically it's it's

not as good as the x

but uh the specs are lower as well yeah

it's right the fact it's digital only


and i started to get one because i was


you know the website i don't remember

which uh store it was

and they actually had one like you know

it was like a

pick it up today type thing i think it

was walmart or something like that

i actually called the old lady and i'm

like look i literally can buy this

xbox right now but it's not the one that

i want

should i buy it and then resell it like

everybody else is doing

and she said you realize the amount of

work that's going to take for you to do

and i said oh that's true and i just

cancelled it

yeah i mean the s is um i don't think

there's any weight if you go online

you'll find those somewhere i don't

think they've been uh

prices have been hiked up too much but

you know i think the good news is

by the time we put this podcast out even

if we waited a year

it would probably hold up because maybe

even in a year you still can't get an

xbox right

the um worst thing about receiving a


i just remember this right is when a

group of people around you

are watching you unwrap it and you have

to find

being really ecstatic about it and you


it might not be that you dislike the

gift you might even like the gift but

not be able to exude enough excitement

to satisfy the viewership who then you

start becoming paranoid that they're

walking away thinking that ungrateful

little piece of crap

right no i i see your point there

because like

you know it's kind of different you know

like you you have those kids reactions

right you know when they

open the gifts on christmas morning or

whatever and they're all excited that

they got this that or the other

i mean i i open up gifts and i'm like oh

that's cool

thanks you know i don't jump up and down

for joy

whenever i you know open something up i

mean even if it's something

like i gotta be honest with you if you

gave me an xbox series x

i'd be grateful i'd be appreciative but

i'm not gonna put a show on for you

you know and and that is it my wife is

really good i think you know

i think you would give me a bit of a hug

because she'd be that great

maybe a fist bump yeah maybe no women

women are great at doing that whole fake

yeah they are anything yep which is

worrying which is

you know really kind of explains why the

serpent went for the woman and not the

man to be

sure absolutely because you know the

serpent knew

she'd be all excited about the world he


that she could fake it well enough to

adam to sell it that's true you know but


you know think about that that's like

the first gift ever given was that apple


so not only was it

let's call it an apple makes it easier

you know adam had to be saying

well you know see what i get for taking

a gift from you

i mean now we just ruined everybody's


for eternity right you know until the

end of time so to speak

if if she would have just not given him

that apple

imagine where we'd be so what was my



don't take apples from women oh no women

being able to fake things

yeah i mean it's that and we've

discussed this before and even on the


probably more than once actually the

women always put on this

thing of like especially when it comes

to their friends that

they champion everything that their

friends do so if they see a post on

facebook and their friend is

you know by his their female friend


316 pounds and you know

somehow she overslept for

half a day and lost four pounds and then

posts a picture of herself still

weighing over 300 pounds

on facebook and says oh i lost weight


you know all her girlfriends on there

are gonna be girl you look so

fabulous oh my goodness you look like a


oh you're owning it blessed

you know all this stuff i mean blatantly

if this wasn't your friend

ironically another woman would read it

and be like what a bunch of crap she's

still fat yeah but here

here's the other problem so they're

doing that right they're

saying blessed oh you're fabulous and

they're gritting their teeth as they

type that in there too because they're

like uh i don't

like you it's what was that old saying

you know men don't understand women but


understand women and hate each other you

know basically

the same thing well one thing i can't


is that whenever a woman tells you like

during those times well i mean i don't

know about you because you were dating

your girlfriend from like kindergarten

right um your wife is when women

always when they try and set up you know

a male friend with one of their female


that you cannot with any degree

of accuracy take their word when they


oh she's really pretty she's really

gorgeous absolutely

because you know the number of well i

mean even friends female friends who've

shown me pictures of their friends and


oh she's really pretty you look at the

photo like

no switch to the photo the pretty one

not the right one

yeah this one yeah this is still the

same are you testing me here

right yeah um lisa lisa has

two friends that i would consider

pretty but the rest of them man they are

ugly and i'm convinced they're friends

with lisa

because of that what they call the

cheerleader effect right

so when they get in a picture with lisa

they look better

yeah you know have you heard of this

cheerleader you know that

the prettiest girl in the picture will

make the uglier

ones look better whatever yeah i'm

convinced that's why lisa has so many

friends because they just want her for

the pictures

because i look at some of the pictures

and it's like oh girls nine i'm like oh

damn it looks like cows night i mean

that is

that is not a fun picture to look at

yeah and

that waiter must have been like man yes

some of these women come from yeah i

feel sorry for their husbands too

but their husbands made that choice that

is true so it's kind of on them so now i

don't feel sorry for them just to

prove that we're not being sizes when

you call

women cows you mean having the facial

features exactly

yeah not the weight not the no not the


they can do something about the weight

but they can't do anything about the

face but

you know that's why they use so much

makeup yeah

yeah and it's been getting more and more

intense recently i've seen a few

not only the makeup but all those

filters and everything else they put on


no i mean in real life oh well like i've

noticed they've been slapping it on

even more yeah well i think there's a

lot of those uh like kardashian type

people that

you know have all these makeup lines and

they do these videos of how to do

what is it called contouring or

something like that where i guess it


changes the shape of your face

let off the eyebrows a little bit

because there was a period when

that whole slug eyebrow thing was

really really popular eyebrows yeah i

mean like

well i mean really really thick like oh

you know russian gadget old men type


yeah um that did just kind of go away

yeah and you know

colored black right for maximum effect

but yeah that looked ridiculous i mean

there's still a few

thinner versions of that out there which

look a bit stupid but then remember the


eyelashes thing suddenly jumped in

overnight right along with the murder


yeah there's always going to be some

beauty trend you know

and i think that's where they get the

influencers out there to

throw it on and then somebody's like oh

i want to be just like that person so

then they start buying all that stuff

i don't really understand the whole

eyebrow thing or the eyelash thing now

they are

actually in terms of thickening it i

mean there's always been eyelash you


stuff which thickens it up for women

with either pale eyelashes or they don't

have many hairs and their eyelashes but

this fake eyelashes is in terms of

sticking this realm of

i don't get that i don't i get that but

you know what animal does have big

luscious eyelashes

a cow oh that's true

yeah and they get flies landing on them

yeah i feel sorry for the cows when the

flies land on

their eyelashes because cow can't help

it dude i'm just out here trying to be a


and plus i've got a big stinky bat

behind me there what leave the eyes

alone yeah

go for the butt that's when the boot

comes out well i think they stay away

from there though because they swing

their tails around all the time

yeah have you seen them it's not the

fastest thing in the world

well no i mean they're not dogs i mean

dogs are happy that's why they wagged

their tails

cows are upset because they're a cow and

it kind of the weight the gravity takes

over and then there's just a little bit

of a flap

right you know nothing intimidating but

then flies are basically chemotropic and

unable to

form a better line of attacks no really

that's true how about that so aside from


what one thing could you not go a day


aside from necessities yeah well their


yeah but if there's one thing you can't

go without

doesn't that immediately now become a


no i think it means necessities as in


let's take say the difference between

needs and wants as in like this

this is a one you're gonna throw in with

the needs

well if i can't do without it though

it's a necessity well

yeah but but by definitely you can do

without it

but this is just if you had to choose

because like let's divide everything up

between needs and wants

okay all right now there's a lot of

things in the wants which you really


but you don't have to have it's not an

assessed you give me an example give me

an example all right

uh playing basketball right say you

loved playing basketball

no give no give me a give me an example

of something dude

but you could go through your day not

playing basketball you wouldn't care

but i don't i don't want to play

basketball what if that was your

favorite thing

out of everything you did and so someone

said hey

we can throw basketball in with the

needs things and now you can get to

choose this as one of your priorities

but i think if you have to play

basketball you have a mental issue

well yeah all right um it's an example


no i don't use basketball i say i need a

good in

anything no i need a good example wolf

toss in

that's a necessity that's not a that's

not a one and you haven't even done that

so that's i know which is yeah mind you

that is a want and a need

yeah but see there are people that have

needs that those needs aren't fulfilled

i need to go dwarf tossing yeah and that

need has not been fulfilled yet

yeah that's right i think that's just a

crap question

is it yeah because i don't yeah that's

what could i not kind of yeah that's a

crap question it is

i mean my needs are my needs i got to

fill my needs yeah so

yeah all right list two pet peeves

answering a bunch of questions that's

got to be one of my pet peeves

especially like ones we have to give

multiple answers yeah

and canadians yeah canadian cats

canadian cats canadian mean cats

right yeah um and dave matthews band

yeah um two pet peeves

all right people who don't signal i know

that's pretty a basic

one but that annoys me

somebody got actually a stop sign the

other day somebody actually gave me the


because they wanted to turn but didn't

signal and

you know what normally happens of you

and somebody else get there at the same

time but like you know you're either

both going this

you know straight on or one of you is

turning off you don't wait for that

person to do all the time so anyway

so i started going straight across

because he wasn't signaling so it looks

like he was

going straight instead he was going to

turn across me and he

put his window down and stuck his finger

up at me yeah yeah and then he probably

realized oh i don't have my turn signal

you know i mean i he couldn't have been

from texas you don't do that texas


if i had been less of a nicer wolf i

would have just reached behind the seat


shot him shut him in the face yes you

know so that's a silly thing today

i guarantee you that guy was probably

from california no way

do you i mean like if you ask i don't

know kindergartners or maybe first

graders if that's a good idea to do that

to somebody while they're driving

they'd be like no no not in texas

you know i mean the least thing that

would happen is you'd throw your beer at


right yeah i mean and then if you really

were mad

you throw your beer at him and then

shoot him i mean that happens on a daily


in texas yeah one of my friends actually

posted a meme a few months ago which

said uh

if you're driving and don't have time to


then don't honk at me

something similar that's quite right

right anyway second pet pave

uh not using your turn signals is one

other pet peeve um you know what's

actually worse than not

using your turn signal though when

driving is having your turn signal on

and not turning

yeah i so that happened to me last week

i had connor with me in the car right

well i'll stick it under incorrect usage

yeah let's do an incorrect usage of


because i was at a stop sign dude's

coming up

on the road and he's got his right turn

signal on

and i've started to pull out yeah and

the guy didn't turn

i mean he would have broadsided me he

had a t-boned me and i told connor i was

like you know

i think that might be worse than not

using a turn signal

is having the turn signal on and then

not turning all right

so let's file the pet peeve as improper

use of turn signal oh my goodness i can

give you an example of that on the way

to cu

today okay um i was obviously coming

from the gas station

yeah and i was gonna turn

and this car looked like it was going

straight on so i timed it but instead he

turned right just pretty much almost

stopped and turned but then

obviously slowed his speed so i'd

already committed to going across the


and then there was this other car coming

behind him super fast which

ended up honking me and i was like and

this is yeah because somebody turned

without using their signals yeah there

you go

i'm gonna yeah all right then i'm gonna

use uh turn signals for both of mine

there you go splice up where do you see

yourself in five years

now i don't know this is supposed to be

realistic this is this is one of those

like horrible interview questions yeah

you know it's like

so where do you see yourself in five

years yeah

who knows you know yeah i don't know

five years older i guess

i don't know maybe it means like

career-wise do you see yourself as head

of your company

um do yourself to see yourself divorced

and married to salma hayek

except like i said i don't know whether

it means fantasy actors isn't

really what you'd like to be doing in

five years or what realistically

will happen in five years hmm i have no


i don't even know what i'm doing

tomorrow yeah

i'm gonna i'm gonna sleep though



oh yeah okay yeah yeah you can commit to


yeah five years time uh probably doing

what i'm doing now really yeah

i don't know i mean yeah me too like i

say i think i'm gonna be doing the same

thing just

i'll be five years older yeah i'll be a

few more gray hairs

yeah a few more pounds yeah

still miserable still hating canadians

and dave matthews band

i guaran you know after we're done with

this i'm gonna look it up i'm almost

certain dave matthews has got to be


you think say i don't know why i'm so

angry at him right now but just

just thinking about dave matthews band

makes me

extremely angry on a canadian level on a

very canadian level

like i i haven't read ahead

into any of these questions but if you

if one of the questions were what is the

worst possible thing

that you would ever have to do it would

be going to a dave matthews band concert

in canada surrounded by cats

right that that's what hell like if

everybody has their own personal hell

mine is going to a dave matthews band

concert that never ends

in canada surrounded by cats i thought

your disdain

for caps was a not total because

obviously we do have

there are good guys exceptions but also


to numbers of cats involved like it's


to kind of um you know gain some dislike

or distrust even of one or two cats or

even you know a handful of cats

but right surely if you're at dave

matthews band

concert right and you were surrounded by


thousands of cats surely the humor of


cats and what they would be doing and

everything you could temporarily

put up with if for no other reason then

just to be able to tell the

story is a true one that you wouldn't


hate that experience but

we all know cats are actually a little

bit smart right

yeah so here's the problem with my

scenario right the cats

also hate dave matthews band oh so

they're kind of cat a whaling

is they're not kind of right right

they're as miserable as i am being there

right i mean it so you got me and then

every cat in the world that hates dave

matthews band

yeah seeing dave matthews band in here

you know it's happening

in the morning all that crap it would oh

i'm i'm literally getting angry right

now you're thinking about dave matthew

you've done that noise today right to

represent the

sound of dave matthews

that's literally if i had a stereotype

dave matthews bad i'd be

because that's how he sings that and

that kind of like no he doesn't

no he doesn't it's he right her name

it sounds just like that like i could do

that right now at karaoke

people would have their eyes closed and

be like oh dave matthews is

in a different language yeah but no

that's a that's exactly how it sounds

like if we didn't have these ridiculous

regulations about what we could put out

you know on a podcast or whatever either


oh that's true well now apple gets a

little upset

if you put copyrighted material on

that's right so what i

i would literally i need and as much as


hurts for me to say i would literally

just play that three seconds

of that dave matthews band song and you

would say yes

you do sound just like dave matthews

that he brings up in that morning

that is a dead ringer for it that is


how that stupid song sounds god i hate

that song

yeah i hate dave matthews and i hate

that song i am

so mad so mad right now like

thinking about dave matthews like how in

the hell

did he get a record contract like what


was sitting there saying hey this guy's

a great singer

let's get his goofy ass up there to do

that stupid dance and make those faces

and make that horrible horrible music

and then there's these morons that pay

money to see it

yeah does not make any sense god i hate

dave matthews

but on that note we do not currently yet

have a band as the sponsor of the show


david is no one no representatives no

no no stop right there if dave matthews

band sponsors his podcast i quit

i quit i don't it's one of those deals

where we've always joked about you know


we have alien ale as our sponsor but you

know what

if miller lite comes along and offers us

a billion dollars then

you know we'll take that i don't care if

dave matthews band

offered us the world i would still quit


i couldn't do it i have a few guests as

well which i can

it wouldn't matter how much money i was

paid i could not get the money

if whatever record company came to us

and said

we will pay you guys 110 billion

dollars to have dave matthews on as a


i would do it and here's why because i'd

kill dave matthews and you'd get away

with it with all that money

yeah yeah yeah cause i could get i could

re uh johnny cochran's dead though well


listen all you have to do is pay for

yourself to be doing

something so you have a great alibi with

like lots and lots of witnesses yeah but

who's the new johnny cochran

like he was the best lawyer ever i don't

know there's no

best lawyers hammer the one who's on the

gym like jim adler jim adler the texas

hammer it will hammer hammer hammer out

a deal for you yeah but

we need a new johnny cochran like there

there is judge judy

well she's a judge though i guess i mean

technically she's a lawyer

if she's a judge but who is we got to

find out who the new johnny cochran is

you just really haven't had like a high

profile case that somebody

gets off never heard of the old johnny

cochran you don't know who johnny

cochran is

i was oj's lawyer oh and yeah

if it does not fit you must acquit right

yeah be johnny cochran i mean that guy's

the greatest lawyer in the world

yeah how was there other than the oj

movie right you know that you had the

series and you had the movies has there

not been a movie about johnny cochran


got to be kind of an interesting story


we could at least make one out of it

this is based on true events

right they both brushed their teeth i

would have been mad though

if dave matthews was gonna go to prison

and somehow was able to hire johnny

cochran and johnny cochran got him off

then i would hate johnny cochran yeah i

wonder if there's a way that dave

matthews could go to prison

well the thing is these days it'd still

be like be able to record and

it'd be like prison the prison tapes you

know well like johnny cash did right

yeah hang on hang on i think i'm on to


we need to reform wait we can agree that

we probably need to reform the prison

system right

yes you know there's issues with it and


but punishments could and this might

fall under the cruel and unusual

punishment but i think

every prison should have dave matthews

band music just piped into every cell

and they just have to listen to that

people who like it

i can pretty much think that everybody

in prison doesn't like tape measures

yeah maybe or maybe they do and they

made bad choices like

liking dave matthews and some some now

now it's something that they actually


yeah i guess that's why we're not in

charge of prisons right

oh i would like to see dave matthews go

to prison we have to we have to move on

from dave matthews because people aren't

going to rest

easily in their beds until they hear the

answer to this one got you how many

pairs of shoes do you own

i think like five do flip-flops count

issues yeah okay six yeah about the same

yeah yeah

brilliant sounds cool if you were a


what powers would you have so says

powers so you can have more ones

oh okay so all of them yeah i mean

basically yeah all of them yeah i mean

like fly like superman strong like


fast like the flash well i'll tell you

what no there are some

super powers which are actually a little

bit detrimental

um for example well i can i'm just

assuming that

among all the superheroes out there in

the marvel dc

and independent comic universe there's

got to be some superpowers which

are a curse to the actual superhero but

a blessing to the people that are

endowed by

his gift or her gift of that superpower

i don't know what any of those would be

though i don't know but let's just

assume there was one or two

yeah i'm sure there probably is and it's

not like we're up on comic books or

anything well

it's not but listen i've got the perfect

thing even for that

okay because when you say that like oh

yeah i'll have

all of them right well we could exercise

one of them as being something which was

going to get us a lot of money and then

we could just pay to get some smart

people to sit down and say look

go through the list of all these

superhero powers and

any which would possibly be a detriment

cross those ones off and i won't have

those ones but this would save us go

through all the

that's true things yeah even though

there's probably only a list of like

about 40 superpowers really

yeah because because some of them would

just be stupid oh you know like

there's super power to turn

wood into a cereal

cereal you know just something stupid

now yes you can make up a scenario


you know you were locked in ikea you

know for like weeks

and you had nothing to eat and you could

turn wood into cereal then yeah you'd be

on to a winner for a little bit there

but no but i keep ikea though has the

little snack bar

right so you wouldn't be hungry there

yeah well just assume the example was a

good one locked in a lumber warehouse or


oh anyway point being what was my point

some are super superpowers can be bad

but we just don't know any of those bad

superpowers no no i was trying to get

written i was trying to get rid of the

stupid superpowers like turning wood

into cereal right right

so just the normal ones you know


you know but it but if you're that

superhero remember if

we can have all these but most

superheroes only have like

one so are you also saying to the super

hero that can turn wood into cereal that

now he's not a superhero anymore because

you don't want his

superpower because you're kind of making

yourself the

penultimate superhero of all superheroes

and then you turn around and would

serial guy now

it's like well what i i'm not good

enough for you i'd say no you're not

good enough

for me but then i kind of feel sorry for

him it's like okay

all right i'll i'll go ahead and keep

turning wood into cereal

just so we don't hurt if there's a place

for him and he's actually

serving a purpose because otherwise with

some sort of like introspection

he must be at work out you know there's

not a lot of call for me out there in

the world maybe this guy's just done me

a favor

telling me i'm not a superhero and maybe

i should just go and

get a job at ikea i don't know that's

true because if he can't prove that his

superpower is in any way beneficial or


to society he's waste time anyway didn't

need me to tell him he's useless

so he's a politician he can just piss


oh there you go all right so

but no specifically what superpowers

all of them no i mean that's too generic

no all right name a few and why

wow other than the obvious invisibility

yeah but

now i kind of want to turn wood into


but you could get enough money with the

other superpowers to be able to buy both

wood and how do you just get a good

magician in front of you yeah but how do

you know that your superpowers

are gonna get you money of course it

would i mean invisibility i mean you

could literally steal money and

stuff all the time can you yes

invisibility sure but

okay being able to fly like superman

yeah so how's that gonna get you money

really because again you could go as

long as you remember

disguise but but remember all you can do

is fly

all right okay okay so how is that gonna

get you more right well right this one

goes against

not as much a superhero but a little bit

along the super villain

side but maybe not actually you dress

yourself in a really good disguise

okay and so you're flying around and

whenever you see

kind of like um any criminals on the


you dive down beat them up oh no because

this is your only superpower

right right you can only fly will you

surprise them you land them

you hit them with your terminal velocity

or close to or whatever it takes to

knock them out or scare them a little

bit but that could do

money still all their money that could

hurt you though remember

you can only fly right okay well

i'm assuming you have the gift of land

in as well well yeah

but i mean you can't crash a plane into

the ground you gotta land a plane

properly so

you've gotta land properly um

okay then i'm pretty sure i could set up

on the internet come and see a man fly

entrance tickets one thousand dollars

and i'd get sponsored oh my goodness

think of the sponsorship

you don't think i could get money

american airlines

yeah but the government bails them out

again probably right

but somebody is going to film you flying

and put it up on youtube right so then

nobody's going to want to buy tickets to

see you fly anymore

doesn't matter but it's a sponsorship i

bet forget the people buying the tickets

stuff and they can watch on youtube

yeah but so i'm thinking of sponsorship

so you want american airlines an

airplane company to sponsor you as the

flying man

yeah but they don't have any money well

or an airline which does have some money

get one of the saudi arabian ones

emirates yeah that looks like a nice

there yeah they got better okay

all right so you so so you solve that


but that's going to take you an awful

lot of time to make that money

no i disagree okay because here is why


you go to any i don't know let's go to

our local fox 4

station right during the day

fly around a little bit outside the

building see how long it takes you to

get on the news

okay once you're on that news see how

long it takes before some sponsors and

agents get in touch with you being like

oh my goodness we can fly

it'd be a rat race should have a

sponsorship and be like all right okay


i commit to you but i want you know

50 000 or 50 million whatever you know

on a pallet

in my backyard you know before the end

of the day whatever so yeah you could

get money

quickly you know you just gotta be

forward thinking think

right i think you can make a lot more

money though converting wood into cereal

yeah but there's also a lot of things

which like invisibility and

flight and stuff could get you which the

gift of turning wood into cereal could

not get here

you know well invisibility and flying

isn't going to get you any cereal

no well it could again think about

thinking about visibility

of course you would you just walk in

this grocery store and just eat it off

the shelf wouldn't you

nobody would see it well yeah but now

you got to go into the grocery store i

mean there's wood

everywhere it's like oh there's a tree

or a bowl in your living room what are

you going to do rip up floorboards just

sit and have some frosted flakes

why not costs a lot of money get the

floor replaced better i've just

oh they're buying some frosted plates or

even just going on

well no just go online get it delivered

get 12 boxes delivered get a nice


yeah but then i got to wait for it to

get delivered if i can convert

well yeah it's like two hours now with


that what is it the prime fresh delivery

or whatever

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and the shepherd and we will catch you

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